Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I don't wish to seek emotional validation from you - far from it. Ideally, I'd find someone else to invest my emotions in. Sometimes, in the dead of night, I long for a familiar touch, a gentle whisper as I fall asleep...I want to feel free and a deeply satisfying sort of happiness, the stable kind, the one that falls short of ecstasy but lasts longer. I want to be able to cry into his shoulders, if I ever need to, and be told that everything will be all right. I want the familiar quarrels as I fight to keep my emotions below the surface while I struggle to open myself to him.
He would be the antidote to your poison.
Why can't I let you go? I've broken my own promise repeatedly. If I don't feel anything for you, why is it so hard to cut you off from my life?
Perhaps it's the intensity of every transient moment that holds me. Maybe the way how violence and tenderness are inexplicably intertwined.
But then, maybe everything's already over as I write. It's hard to tell. There is a start to this story, but I don't know where it's been heading since.
Written at 2:48 AM
Sunday, February 13, 2011
It's been about a year since I last wrote here. So why am I here on this quiet night? I find him compelling. No matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my bloody mind. He's lodged in a tiny nook at the back of my mind. I long to shatter his image as easily as glass, swept away with other useless debris. But it's as hard as diamond shards, unbreakable.
Perhaps one day I will wake and scream 'enough'.
Written at 2:31 AM
Monday, February 08, 2010
Holding on to dreams
Someone prayed that my mustard-seed faith will grow into a tree. A most appropriate message, considering that I am at a crossroads, sure of my destination but uncertain of its path. But for once, I believe that God is crafting and molding my destiny and dreams. Without dreams, the world will lie in darkness half-asleep and half-awake, engaged in dead-end jobs and meaningless activities. They are not stuck, but they choose to think they are - it's a good excuse for not moving, being "stuck".
But in any case, I hope that more light will shine on the path I am to embark, sooner rather than later...me of little faith. I've been told often enough that I'm young and idealistic. Just another way of saying that I'm still holding on to my dreams while others have let theirs die a cold death buried underneath a stack of paychecks.
Written at 10:07 PM
Monday, January 11, 2010
The big MC - marriage and career
It's been almost eons since I last posted. What with two other blogs to manage (a book review blog and a social angst blog), it can be quite tricky managing this emo blog, as I name it. It's a new year with an unpredictable path ahead of me, awaiting to be trodden with some trepidation. Marilyn Monroe has the seven year itch; I seem to have a one year itch. Can't seem to stay long in any place for more than year.
But, I've always believed that three's the charm. The third career path that I'm about to embark on will be the one that I intend to stay on for long-term. Need to rein in that restless, capricious nature of mine.
This year is the year when we plan to tie the big knot. Somewhat expected, he is feeling a fair amount of anxiety and wonders if he is truly prepared for an eternal marriage. It wasn't till lately when I have begun to experience more than a little anxiety myself; I've also questioned myself if I can hold steadfast to one partner for the rest of my life, which presumably will be decades and decades of time. I get bored extremely easily.
But I have stuck with him through the worst heartbreak one could possibly experience, and still look forward to holding his hands and kissing him. Will those things remain only inchoate shreds of memory?
Written at 12:27 AM
Friday, October 16, 2009
I'm beginning to feel a stirring within my spirit..for the past few weeks, I've felt the occasional susurrus of words longing to spill on white pages. The feeling is like a sliver of moonlight falling on water, so soft and light. I've only just begun to be conscious of such stirrings.
I long to return to writing. The last I wrote was about 5-6 months ago..pretty long. It's been quite difficult lately because of work and ministry. I'm usually busy several evenings, and during the ones that I'm not, I'm quite exhausted and I'll start to nod off at 10.
Dare I take the step to realize my dream of becoming a writer? I was asked, "What do I see myself doing for the rest of my life?" Leading a cell, or doing ministry, is an answer. I can imagine myself leading a cell group for several years and yet not wanting to give it up totally. Sure, I'll get tired many times, but I know I'll persevere because I love doing it. Writing is another thing that comes to mind. I know that if I did nothing but write for the entire day, I'd still feel happy and fulfilled.
There are so many things that are pulling me back from achieving my dream - but I think that the only one that is really holding me back is myself. My fears about my writing ability, and my survival, are stopping me from turning my dream into a concrete structure.
Written at 11:53 PM
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wow, it's been almost a month since I wrote in here. Well, lots of happened since then...most of it is really just reflections on what kind of career I really want, my passions and where I want to be in life in the next coming year or so.
By nature, I think I'm a rather restless person. I get bored easily and when that happens, I tend to look for stimulation outside, rather than trying to find creativity in the current things I am doing. I suppose in whatever job I do, there will be elements of mundaneness - so I need to find some way of reviving my interest by doing things differently, maybe.
Year is coming to an end soon. Should start planning for the new year. Off the top of my head, the few things that I will focus on next year is writing (be it short stories or my novel), cell group and my office CF. Those 3 things should more than suffice. Prayerfully, my cell group will multiply by Q1 next year. It's growing at a rather slow pace, but I'm sure God will bring in the harvest. :)
A really great thing to note is the near completion of my X Evangelism Explosion (XEE) training. It was a pretty grueling training (12 weeks of classes) and several on-the-job training (aka Connect Activities). But it was a very exhilarating experience of learning a great way of sharing the gospel. I think more than that though, it stoked my passion in evangelism. Am really excited in training some of my cell members in XEE as it really is comparatively the best method of sharing the gospel.
Written at 10:10 PM
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Holy Spirit session in Alpha
Today was an awesome Holy Spirit session during Alpha. After the dvd talk on Who is the Holy Spirit,
I talked a bit about how Jesus has promised us an abundant life. When we accept Christ, we receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. But many of us just leave Him there in the living room of our hearts. He becomes just a guest, when He really should be the Master of our lives. Have we given him the key to every room in our heart? Or do we keep some areas tightly locked under our control, thinking we've got everything taken care of.
If we want the abundant life that Christ has promised us, we need to give the Holy Spirit the key to all
the rooms in our heart, and surrender to Him sot hat He will be the master. I issued an altar call, and a lot of the non-CF members raised their hands. Some people prayed for one of my colleagues, who started to cry. At my end, I prayed along with a girl to rededicate her life to Christ. There was also another colleague who recognized that she couldn't let go of everything to God yet. But I can see the passion inside her; she just doesn't know what to do with it. When I prayed for the baptism of the Holy Spirit though, the former said that she didn't feel anything. Haha. I was crushed (a little), but then, it is the Holy Spirit who convicts. And a true experience of the Holy Spirit is more than just an emotional physical experience.
There's only one day left of the Alpha Course. It's really exciting and it looks like our CF has grown much bigger.
Written at 10:58 PM