Sunday, July 05, 2009

a vacant spot in the heart

Life is too short, or too long as someone once said, to be spent doing things that are meaningless. I want every second of my life to count - to be spent on things that bring value and meaning to me. So before I choose to get angry or to sulk, I remind myself if I want to spend my time doing things that will only result in unhappiness. Along with that, I've also decided to cut down on spending. Hence, I've labeled July as my "No Shopping Month". I will not do any shopping whatsoever, except on necessities like food, personal hygiene etc.

I think I'm on a quest for significance. I'm looking for that something that will fulfill me. I have a great loving relationship, my ministry is going rather smoothly and has expanded beyond the church I attend, my job is going well. But I'm still searching for that thing that will completely satisfy me. Maybe it's not really a thing to do or to search for; life is about being, not doing. I tend to get caught up in doing things most of the time.

There is just something in my heart that is vacant and can't be filled with the things that are in my life right now. Maybe I'm just looking for the next big thing to throw my heart in. I've submitted my novel draft to a few Malaysian publishers. Silverfish rejected me, as expected. I'm still awaiting a reply from the MPH editor who personally edited my short story. I'm wondering if I should continue to pursue this and approach comic book publishers instead. Part of me wants to, but the other half wants to just dive into a completely new story still unwritten...

Written at 10:35 PM

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Thursday, July 02, 2009

Six months past...

It's already been six months since I started work at JobStreet, and a year since I took over as cell leader. In regards to work, it has been an exciting journey - and I am glad to say that I have progressed much and enjoyed good favor with my manager and top management. It's all by God's grace, really. With the coming months, I can only pray for God's wisdom to be upon me so that I will have the maturity to move up the ranks.

Where my ministry is concerned, I have only recently begun my marketplace ministry at my workplace through the Alpha course. It's been tough, honestly, and I've realized that adults really aren't that much different from young people. It just feels like leading another cell group with members who have differing priorities. As I've learned in cell, we have to meet people where they are, not expect them to come to our level. Of course, sometimes challenges are needed to propel people forward, but most of the time, patience and understanding are the important ingredients.

In regards to cell, it has been an up-and-down journey. The first six months of my leadership (July - December 2008) was full of transitions - with transitions of the cell home several times as well as people transiting in and out of the cell. The next six months (January till June this year) were filled with conflict and transitions (again) - whether it's the cell home, cell/ church model or people slowly dropping out. But we have solved almost all our conflicts and we are at a stage where we are quite comfortable with each other. I believe we are now at the Community-Action stage of the cell lifecycle, where I want to develop new leaders and propel this cell forward to doing greater things for God.

Written at 12:28 AM

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

Spiritual warfare and apples

I realize how long it's been since I last posted. Well, things have developed since then. I believe that God is using me for greater things. At my workplace, the CF have launched the Alpha course! Click on that site and you will see the Alpha course at my workplace listed! The first session was incredible - there were lots of non-Christians and Catholics who came; the group leaders and I had very engaging discussions with them about who Jesus was. It was really exciting and I'm psyched about the next Alpha discussion!

Surprisingly, I ended up with a group of Catholics. I thought that I would get the non-Christians, as I usually evangelize to non-Christians during my Christian life. So, when I saw that everyone in my group was Catholics, I was a bit uncertain and didn't quite know how to tailor my discussion. But perhaps God has something to teach me. I'll need to pray a lot more for the Holy Spirit to guide me on how to minister to Catholics.

This week was the week where I launched the first Alpha session, and also had a cell visit to a cell member who had not been coming to cell. On Tuesday, I woke up and just threw up four times that morning. Subsequently, I felt really weak and had stomach cramps. Lost my appetite and every time I ate something, I felt like throwing up. My mum and John said it was spiritual warfare, and it felt like it, because I knew that I was at the point of taking one big step for God in my workplace and in cell.

I managed to survive the illness, though I had an appendicitis scare yesterday. Went to a hospital, and found out that I didn't have appendicitis after all. Whew! Of course, I incurred a hefty RM 500+ medical bill. There goes half my medical allowance for the year. Bugger. Pray that I won't fall ill till end of the year. Haha.

Just now at cell, I said that an apple best represented me. I chose the apple because an apple is a rather symbolic fruit (think of the fruit at the Garden of Eden and in Snow White's fairy tale) - I think I can be quite mysterious and recondite at times. Also, the apple's a rather tough and crunchy fruit. I believe I am a very determined character who pulls through things no matter what. Jin however said that an apple can be easily influenced by other things, like a worm worming into an apple. So, he warned me to be careful. And John said the same thing too; I gotta watch out for negative influences. Funny...I never thought of myself as a person who is easily influenced.

Written at 1:04 AM

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Sunday, June 07, 2009

Faith

Came back from a cell leaders' retreat. Was utterly relaxing and I believe God spoke to me and revived my passion for cell again. I had been feeling rather tired and a little discouraged about the cell growth. But again and again, I am reminded that numbers is not everything. God only encouraged me to continue to go the extra mile and to invest in my cell members' lives - to serve them as how Jesus served His disciples by washing their feet. Jesus came to serve, and not to be served, although He was a king.

Likewise, if I want my cell to grow spiritually and to be passionate for God, I need to serve them as how Christ served us. I have faith that my cell will grow and multiply by next year! Although it seems like a far-off vision, but I have faith that it will come to pass by the grace of God.

Written at 8:48 PM

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Monday, May 18, 2009

rewriting my novel

I think I will revive my novel, which I started writing 5 years ago but has been lying buried in the dust of forgotten drawers. Will rewrite my first chapter and send it off to as many publishers as I can, and see what response I get.

Pray for me and wish me all the best!

Written at 8:38 PM

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Thursday, May 07, 2009

surprise for mum's birthday

I organized a surprise with my siblings for my Mum's birthday yesterday. We bought her roses, a spa gift certificate, and decorated the dining room with those items as well as balloons on each chair. She's normally the first to arise and come down. So she did - and was pleasantly surprised!

Hehe. At least, I HOPE she was surprised...

It was great doing something nice for her anyway. I only hope she'll remember that she has a spa gift cert and claim it when her head's not busy with the thousand and one things she's involved in! It's an hour massage, scrub and lovely jacuzzi bath. Mm...I need a break too. Feel like I'm beginning to get involved in too many things...cell leadership in church is taking up most of my free time already. There's also CF at my workplace which I'm indirectly trying hard to keep its momentum going.

Written at 11:59 PM

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Saturday, May 02, 2009

Counting my cost

I had a talk with a good friend today, and I realized that my head is still in the air when I think about marriage. Right now, I have a vague, misty idea about marriage being a blissful place where you can have someone warm to embrace you every night...someone to chase your fears away...someone where you don't have to travel miles just to see because we have the same place called home.

But, if I'm really serious about getting married in the near future, I have to start counting my cost, literally. Do my partner and I have enough money for the kind of wedding I desire? Do my partner and I have enough to rent or buy a place to stay? Will we both have a stable income close to our desired wedding date?

I admit - I have not begun to make such calculations yet. If I'm serious, I should start counting now.

Written at 1:09 AM

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