Saturday, October 14, 2006

the end

Tonight is one of those rare nights when you feel as if you're falling down, down, down a tunnel like Alice in Wonderland--except that there is no darkness to comfort you...only a mind-boggling kaleidoscope of colors that attack the brain like migraines.

I've been living without a journal for weeks. And I need to write. So, this shall be one of the most honest blog posts before I close this blog down. Yup, that's right. It's time to shut the window as too many people have peered in, and cast light upon unwilling shadows. I'm an 'open book', to quote a friend.

Lately, I have been doing things uncharacteristic of me. A friend told me that it's a phase I'm going through, and then proceeded to tell me the many reasons for my actions--most of which are true, though some are not. Do I do them because I am, as my friend calls me--an overachiever? That I can still do those things I do and yet, still achieve a 3.8 CGPA, write and publish a research paper, teach, help domestic violence survivors etc etc? Well, my friend was wrong.

The truth really is a lot simpler than that. Three simple words: I crave affection. I lost the chance of possessing the one love I desired for months. If I had not lost it, that would have been the first love in my 20 years of existence. When the object disappeared, I was left with shadows of it. Shadows soft as silk upon trembling flesh, stroking and soothing with such warmth...chasing the cold away.

But I know full well how transient it is. How soon the warmth will evaporate like the mists of the morning. How soon pleasure can turn into pain. How soon desire can become regret. So, I've decided to flee. Yes--flee from all this. Fly as fast as I can away from this mire of deceit and illusion. But, will I only end up in a place of mirrors, full of reflections?

I don't care. I don't want to think about it, and I will not. I'll just focus on my academics and help women who are in far greater suffering than I. My burdens do not need to be carried...they need to be buried.

Another thing that probably added to my confusing palette of emotions is a little gathering I had with friends. The topic of discussion was about thankfulness. One of my friends was saying how thankful he was for his parents, after attending a funeral of his best friend's father. Apparently, he died in an accident; yet, the cause of death was unknown. For some strange reason (well, maybe not so strange in hindsight), the rest of my friends started discussing what were the possible reasons for his death, and the chances of arrest for the person who knocked him down in the accident. That really ticked me off. All the time they were discussing it, I was thinking, 'For fuck's sake, that guy's dad just died, and you're discussing why on earth he died, as if he's some medical experiment. Is that so fucking important? The guy has just sunk to the blackest pit he's ever fallen into, and all you care about is how his father died.'

Well, whatever. I didn't say anything--only hugged the black cushion to me tighter and curled up even more, since it was freezing cold in the room.

Now, I'm starting to shiver in my own house. The night is just so chilly. Well, off I go.

Good night to everyone who have been faithful readers of my blog. :-)

~the end~

Written at 2:13 AM

0 comments