Thursday, April 26, 2007

projects!

Mmm...I love holidays. Oddly enough, I seem to get sleepier during holidays. Can't stay up as much as I want to anymore. Ah well--good thing my body's smart enough to recognize when to get rest and when to zoom ahead.

Anyways, I have about two and a half more weeks left before I return to boring *yawn* classes. Have several projects to complete.

  1. Write a feminist poem for the AWAM (WWRP) book (made up of feminist pieces written by young women) which will be published soon. My short story--Raped...or Not? was selected to be published in that book. Yay! My first ever published piece! :D So, go and buy that book and support me. Haha. I know some of you must be thinking--"But I can read it right here on your blog!" Well, yes, I DID upload my short story here. But, I'm not going to upload my feminist poem. :P
  2. Write a play. Ideas are still running blissfully through my head.
  3. Write my Work Experiences of Mentally Ill People in Malaysia report. Would like to get it done for the conference before I start the new semester.
  4. Read the pile of books that have been collecting dust in the shelf, namely the Sandman Comics (Neil Gaiman), the Catechism of the Catholic Church, some medieval history book, Reformation: Christianity and the World 1500-2000 (Felipe Fernandez-Armesto & Derek Wilson), The Book of Lost Things (John Connolly) etc etc.
  5. Practice GRE tests. Ugh.
Onwards with the pen!

Written at 6:08 PM

3 comments

Sunday, April 22, 2007

short story: Forgive Me Not

Forgive me not


The door flew open, and a folder fell to the floor softly, its papers flying out in disarray. "Tom."

"Crap!" Tom cursed and quickly pulled up the sheet around him, covering his nakedness. "It's not what you think, Becks. She, she..." He turned around at the long-haired brunette next to him, pointing a finger at her.

"Save it, Tom," Rebecca replied quietly. Her face appeared smooth and unnerved, the glass surface of a calm sea. But it was the eyes that broke Tom--they reflected inexpressible hurt, hope that had been dearly clung to for years, splintered to a million glittering pieces.

The next morning, she was gone, leaving behind striped black-and-white bits of a sweater in various places. Tom found a sleeve beside the piano, another on the sofa, and a half-knitted torso on the dining table. There was no note, but Tom understood her message well enough. Becks didn't have to say anything. The brunette was one too many times; the third, to be precise.

Each time, she had forgiven him as he sought her with repentant words. His heart remained unchanged, warming up only at the sight of a new challenge, often wrapped in sexy long hair and a coquettish smile. He didn't think that she would actually leave him one day. Now, he realized that he actually loved her; a realization that came too late. With that, he began to weep.

The cool air was sharp against his cheek. But Tom hardly noticed it as he swayed gently back and forth, a bottle in his hand. After taking another swig, he started shouting the lyrics of a soppy love song, its melody rendered tuneless with drink. Soon, the bottle ran dry, and Tom irritably threw the bottle away.

A leaf crackled, breaking the silence. Tom jumped, staring wildly around him. He was in the forest. Although he had been living next to the forest for years, not once had he ever stepped foot in it. Lurid tales of a horror that dwelled in the forest, whispered by townspeople in genuine fear, scared him off.

Tom gazed around, but all he could see were shapes cloaked in shadow. They started encroaching upon him with naked menace. Scared stiff, Tom burst into a run. Finally, he stopped, catching his breath.

A snake slithered past, its diamond eyes peering inquisitively at Tom. He recoiled instantly, his heart starting to pump wildly. Suddenly, the snake was gone, and in its place was a little red being, about the size of a small boy. There was a small tuft of black hair on its head. Intelligent eyes stared back at him as it fingered a golden necklace around its neck.

"I'd have thought 2000 years of civilization would have produced better manners," it said, crisply. "Or is it polite to stare in these days?"

Too stunned to reply, Tom only continued to stare agape. He definitely had one too many drinks.

"I take it you are just too surprised at the moment," it said, a grotesque smile curving its lips. "But, let us not waste any time. Here is the deal."

"Excuse me? What deal?" Tom said, rubbing his eyes, hoping that the hallucination would disappear. "You haven't even told me your name yet."

"My name is Gene, djinn from the clan of Ifrita, land of Persia. Pleased to make your acquaintance," it (he) replied smoothly, extending his hand.

Tom shook it, feeling a sudden hotness in his palm. That could not have been his imagination.

"So, here is the deal I would like to make," Gene continued in a business-like manner. "I will give you immortality, so you will have forever to procure your wife's forgiveness. When she has forgiven you, she will be cloaked with immortality as well. If--"

"Hold on,” Tom interrupted. "Don't I get three wishes or something? You're a genie, aren't you?"

"Djinn," Gene corrected. "Djinn of the Ifrita clan. Please do not mistake me for an insufferable guardian spirit." His eyes flashed bright orange.

"Sorry," Tom replied quickly.

"So," Gene continued, smoothly. "The second option you can choose is a shorter life. In return, you will have the power to receive the love of anyone you choose. Not to mention riches and fame."

Tom paused. His mind began deliberating over the two options. Images of his wife trailed through his mind, her beautiful smile like a solitary candle in the blackest darkness. Her familiar scent filled his nostrils, evoking a dozen memories; dance of love, color of passion. Feel of warm flesh upon his skin, trembling with desire.

Suddenly, his wife's broken face appeared. She was walking away from him, leaving behind bits of a sweater like the mangled parts of a raccoon. "I hate you." Words spat out like poison. The heavy sorrow that engulfed him was suffocating, impenetrable. He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing for the relief of tears that would lift the darkness. None came.

"Perhaps the second option might be more desirable," Gene said, sympathetically.

Tom opened his eyes, and nodded.

"Good. In exchange for what you will receive, I will obtain your soul at your deathbed."

"Whatever," Tom said, flatly.

"As you wish."

It was morning. Tom stretched luxuriously, and turned to his side. She was still sleeping. He got off the bed, and started dressing.

"Going off so soon?"

"Yes, dear. Got a dreadful board meeting."

The blonde walked towards Tom, placing her hands around his neck.

"Oh Tom, you're just so beautiful," she breathed. "But I look like an old hag compared to you." She frowned at her reflection in the mirror. Tom lifted an eyebrow in surprise; he saw a beautiful young blonde standing next to an aging man. After reassuring her, he kissed her obligatorily, and left.

When work was over, Tom decided to take a walk. He idly thought of how fast the years had flown by. Success was pervasive in his life. Yet, he would not be sorry if he died right there and then. Despite a seemingly perfect life, there was a black spot within him, which no amount of money or love from strangers in bed could rub out. Around him were streams of people in black suits, a sea of grim unsmiling faces as if they were in a funeral procession.

A flash of brown amidst the black caught his eye. Tom turned around in a whiplash. "Becks!" he yelled.

A woman stopped, and turned around to face him. Everything else froze as they stood opposite each other, two lone humans in a courtyard of statues. The passing seconds slowed for what seemed an eternity.

"Tom."

In a café, Tom discovered that Becks had already found another man. "Becks," Tom began. "Please come back. You don't love him."

"You pompous jerk!" she spat, angrily. "I'm not some widow waiting by the sea, pining for your return. I've found someone else, and he doesn't cheat on me!"

The pain in Tom's heart deepened. Gene had tricked him; he could not obtain the love of the one woman he really cared about.

Tom received a phone call the next day. It was Becks, sounding distraught. He rushed over to her place immediately. She opened the door, her eyes rimmed red. Hatred darkened her pupils, but there was something else as well. Without a word, she began kissing him, her lips salty with tears.

And so it had gone on. The love (hate?) they shared was a sea wrecked by storms, alternated with brief periods of calm. She could be utterly loving one moment, and horrifically cruel the next. The bed of steel that drew blood would turn to a carpet of rose petals that soothed those very wounds. The years zipped by, and Tom grew exhausted. Yet he continued to stay with the only woman he loved, believing that this was the boon in his wish--the piece of trickery in Gene’s seeming kindness.

Soon, Tom began to feel that his end was near. As he lay on the bed wheezing, his breathing labored, he called her to his side. "I'll be gone soon. And I just want to tell you how much I love you, and how I've never stopped loving you."

Becks held his hands. All of a sudden, her face grew soft, free of the bitterness that once hardened her face. "Dammit, Tom," she whispered. "Why do you have to love me so much? Even after everything I did, you never left me. Not once. God, you're just making it so bloody hard for me, Tom!"

"I'm sorry, Becks. Before I go, I just need one last thing--your forgiveness. If not, I will not be able to leave this world, not until I have received your forgiveness..."

"I— "

"I have come to collect my debt," a deep voice interrupted.

"Gene. For crying out loud, can't you just grant me this one last thing before you take me?" Tom wheezed.

"No. A deal is a deal. The last crystal of sand in your hourglass just fell. It is time," the djinn said, a twisted smile on his face. He drew out a sword, indecipherable symbols engraved upon its bronze handle. Lifting the blade above Tom’s neck, he brought it down hard.

"No!"

Tom touched his neck. There was no blood or cut on it.

"This cannot be..." the djinn whispered.

"You can see him?" Tom asked, in surprise.

"Yes Tom, I can. Hello Gene," Becks greeted the djinn, coldly.

"Hello, Rebecca," the djinn said, a malevolent smile curving his lips.

"I know why you can't kill him."

"Pray tell me why."

"You've forgotten the wish you gave me. I wished that Tom would never find peace. If you kill him and take his soul, he will be at peace. He will have no soul, nothing. But, nothingness is peace."

"How astute of you," the djinn remarked. "Do you really think this will last? You cannot stand to see him suffer like this, living in your hatred. You have finally begun to love him. But, there is no love without forgiveness. So, you long to forgive him. And the moment you do, he will die in peace, and his soul will be mine."

Her lip trembled, and Tom knew that the djinn spoke the truth. "Becks," he whispered. She drew near, her cheeks wet with tears. "Everything will be all right. I forgive you, for all the hurt that you've done. I don't need your forgiveness. Your willingness to forgive is enough." The beautiful sight of his wife's face lengthened the few seconds he had left to a sweet eternity.

Tom closed his eyes, a peaceful smile upon his lips. He breathed his last, and was gone. "Noo!" the djinn cried out in anguish.

Rebecca wiped her tears away, a soft sad smile on her lips. "I forgive you, Tom."

~

Written at 5:08 PM

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

a letter

Dear X,

If you only knew of my emotions that have run unfettered on the long dusty road of time...would you be frightened by my revelation? Or would you respond gently, with the kindness of a stranger? You are so much more than what others perceive you to be; you are my dream, obsession, love, devotion.

Never have I yearned, lusted, hoped for something this desperately. What is it that I hope for, you might ask. It is your love. Such a simple answer...yet so intricately complex like a dewdrop caught within the silken thread of a spider's web.

A foolish hope, I know. After all, what am I other than a girl amongst many. Someone defined by blurry ink stains and books and papers. Would you ever look at me as a woman? A person of flesh that bleeds when pricked, with eyes that shed tears, with lips that graze softly upon the skin.

No, I doubt that you do, or have ever done so. Perhaps, it is in our best interest that you did not do so. All I need then is to reconcile myself to the fact that you might never do so. However, I need your grace...to remind me to find my own...to find another. Will you give me that grace?

Yours sincerely,
K

Written at 12:03 AM

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Saturday, April 14, 2007

answered prayer

I am so happy, exhilarated, joyous! It actually costs RM 400, as a student, to attend and present in that international Qualitative Research Convention. My supervisor said that she'd speak to HELP and see if they can sponsor me and my colleague. But she told us to prepare RM 200, in any case. I prayed to God to provide the finances for me, so that I wouldn't have to pay a cent.

And He answered my prayer! HELP's sponsoring me and my friend in full.

This year is indeed the beginning of new things...

Written at 12:57 AM

1 comments

Monday, April 09, 2007

dreams

I dreamed of you again last night...fleshed out beyond the pencil thin marks of daydreams upon paper. Grounded in reality, you reached out to me--an invitation to share in the delightful music that played in the background, the strings of a joyous dance. Did I extend my fingers eagerly in response? Hungry for the warm affection you proferred, cold water in the Sahara desert. A mirage, perhaps...but hope never fails to lure. Or did I hesitate before reaching back towards you? A streak of confusion that blurred the once-clear waters of desire.

Or did I hold back altogether? Pushing away your offering which I once hungered for, thirsted for, lusted after. Honestly, I do not remember. All that remains in my memories, shimmering in its evanescent form, is confusion...do I still want the safe symphony of my dreams transposed to reality--dangerous and forbidding?

Written at 3:48 AM

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Friday, April 06, 2007

accepted to QRC!!!

I am extremely excited, happy, jubilant, ecstatic etc etc!!! I just received an email from the Qualitative Research Association Malaysia saying that my abnormal psychology research paper "Work Experiences of People with Mental Illness in Malaysia" has been accepted for a presentation in the International Qualitative Research Convention this year!! :D

On behalf of the QRC2007 Committee, I am pleased to inform you that your paper "Work Experiences of People with Mental Illness in Malaysia" has been accepted for a presentation at the 4th International Qualitative Research Convention on 3-5, September, 2007, PJ Hilton, Malaysia.
Such sweet sweet words...my friend and I had been slogging our butts out working on this paper. We suffered many sleepless nights... and poured out buckets of tears, sweat, and blood. I'm exaggerating, I know. :-) But we really did expend tons of energy on this research paper. And finally, our efforts paid off. All glory to God. I would not have been able to achieve this and the many other projects which I completed successfully without Him.

Now, more work during the holidays! Lol. Well, as they say, work hard and play hard.

Written at 12:29 AM

5 comments

Sunday, April 01, 2007

newspaper project and other details

Finally...the end of an extremely busy and stressful week. Survived on an average of 3 hours a day. Had two tests, a newspaper project, a presentation, and a 1000-word summary on my abnormal psychology research project to complete. Most of them were successful, thanks be to God who pulled me through everything. The last item is still uncertain, as I don't know whether the conference authorities have decided to accept my summary or not. Cross your fingers and hope that they do! :D Then, I might actually be up there in an international conference presenting my research. Hehe.

I'm extremely proud of my newspaper project. It looks absolutely wonderful...the product of six committed historical researchers. The name of my newspaper is Acta Diurna. Date of publication: XIV Kal. Aprilis Year G. Julius M. Antonius consolibus, in other words--18 March 44 BCE. 15 March 44 BCE was when Julius Caesar was assassinated. My newspaper is based on events and Roman culture at that time. I might post pictures of it. Hehe. That's how proud I am of it. Took many back-breaking sleepless nights creating the final product. But it was well worth it. Learned lotsa things about Roman Republic on the way...will read the books on it fully during hols.

People think I don't procrastinate. Well, it's true. I generally don't. But let me tell you what happened on the day of my history presentation. My friend and I spent the whole night at another friend's place finishing up the history newspaper and the presentation slides and whatnot. Then, my friend and I went back to my place, freshened up, and left for college. When history class started, my lecturer asked me where my thumbdrive was--to open up the presentation in his laptop. The friend who had the thumbdrive AND the newspaper wasn't there. And we were supposed to be the first to present. The lecturer kept asking where the thumbdrive was, and I was like--I don't know! My friend has it! Thank God, the other group decided to present first, instead of us. So they did, and I was messaging my friend the whole time, getting more and more anxious as the minutes passed by. When the group ended their presentation, my friend STILL hadn't arrived. So, I asked the group tons of questions to buy time. Haha. My lecturer asked further questions, and just when he ended, my friend popped his head through the door. I don't blame him for coming late...he had to do his slides, print the newspaper, photostat 5 copies of an 8 page newspaper, look for parking, cut the newspaper nicely, not to mention change into formal wear. Wonder if he had time to bathe...

Anyhow, the presentation was successful. The lecturer loved our newspaper and project. :D

Hopefully, my abnormal psychology summary will be accepted too. Spent sooo many nights with my friend reanalyzing our entire research and writing the summary up.

And so, this is what I have been up to during my long absence here.

Written at 3:05 AM

4 comments