Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Reflections of 2008

This year has been absolutely amazing! This year, I ventured for the first time into the working world - into an NGO, no less. I have gained an invaluable amount of knowledge and experience working in a feminist NGO as a social worker. I had already been exposed to feminism in my college days, though mostly on intellectual ventures. But, my experience in the NGO lent a human touch to the movement/ belief/ cause which I had so long been intimate with only on an intellectual level. And now, it appears as if I have come a full circle. I first came into the NGO as a volunteer three years ago. This year, I became staff. And next year, I'm back as a volunteer!

The most significant event this year was when I dislocated my kneecap, and was rendered "legless" for a good three months. That taught me a great deal of humility; I'd always found it difficult to accept help from others. Having to depend on other people to help me perform even the simplest function like walking was extremely frustrating. But, it was a lesson well taught. I am not entirely humble now - but little by little, I am beginning to soften my persona of "Miss Independent". I've adopted that nickname for a very long time...I remember listening to Kelly Clarkson's Miss Independent song and loving it. Perhaps also, a heartbreak or a loss had occurred at that time - and my mind told me that the best way to protect myself was to be independent of everyone.

This year though, my romantic relationship taught me that where love is, independence cannot exist...like darkness and light. I felt afraid, even terrified...as my relationship grew and blossomed from a tiny bud into a flower with thorns. There was pain as love strove to banish the shadows of pride within my heart. I had once asked someone "Which is more important - your relationship or your pride?" That someone answered, "My pride." Pride is self-deception..it's nothing but a false comforter for the lonely. The greatest lesson I learned from my relationship this year is the selflessness of love. Love is not based on sacrifice; for if it were, one would always be calculating the amount of sacrifices s/he makes, which usually is incomparable to the other. Love abounds in generosity, and love places the other above oneself. There is no place for pride.

And in terms of my spiritual walk, well, that has been the pattern of a heartbeat on a machine. This year, I became cell leader. And that has taught me a great number of things. Patience was the first thing I learned. I've also realized that in ministry, it's really not about how much you do; but how much you allow God to do, based on the faith you have. So many times, I know that it is God who makes all things work. I can only be His servant and plant the seed; it is God who breathes life.

So, cheers to the new year! Another new step in my career, significant life changes for my partner and best friend, more changes in my ministry...as long as I place God in the center of my life, whatever circumstances that arise are irrelevant as my joy is found in Him, not in anything or anyone else.

Written at 10:55 PM

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Urban Odysseys and something revolutionary

Urban Odysseys: KL Stories will be published in February next year! Those of you who are my loyal fans AND friends - you MUST go grab yourself a copy of the book. My story, City of Flesh, will be published under the name I use here, RK Boo. Check out Eric Forbes's blog for more details!

Next year looks like it will be a blast! I just had a discussion with a couple of young men on feminism and gender equality, and how they can form a group to fight for gender equality and stop violence against women. The discussion went very well and all of us managed to reach a consensus on the philosophy of the group. I am so excited! This is the birth of something revolutionary. Of course, I know that there may be conflicts within the group and also from outside the group. But I believe that if gender equality is to shift from utopia to reality, men and women need to be active partners in the movement. For too long have we fought, distanced and divided ourselves in bloody battles of the mind and heart...languished in our fears and stereotypes of the other gender...satisfied only with fighting and subduing, but never reconciling. How long do we want to keep fighting the other? Such battles only result in winners and losers. No one wants to be a loser.

Women and men do not live on Venus or Mars - they live together right here on Earth. Isn't it time to begin a healing process? To start treating each other with mutual respect and love. Love conquers all. Where love is, there is no prejudice, no discrimination, no subjugation, no oppression, no fears, no selfishness, and no inequality.

That is what I want.

Written at 10:07 AM

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

BIGGEST shopping spree!

I have gone on the BIGGEST shopping spree of my life...I've never spent so much on a single trip - about RM 700 plus on corporate wear! Such an OBSCENE amount of money! Those of you who know me will know that I hardly ever go shopping. Perhaps I'm a shopaholic in denial. Haha. My shopping didn't even include shoes yet. :S I bought three striped shirts - my mum commented that they were masculine and asked why didn't I buy any flower-patterned shirts. Honestly...just because I'm a feminist doesn't mean I always try to look masculine. It just happened that Padini only had a sale on striped shirts. At least they're of different colors. I'd also bought two skirts and a pair of trousers from G2000, a blazer from Parkson, a blouse from Forever 21 and two blouses from online boutiques. I'd also gotten myself some new lingerie and makeup. Have yet to get myself some belts and shoes...as well as a laptop. Haven't done my Christmas shopping either.

Now I know why women like shopping. Once you start, you can't stop! Ah well...I'll recover from this binge after Christmas. Next year looks like an exciting one for me - new look, new career, more personal time with my loved ones and for ministry, and hopefully, publication of my short story! It has been a great year, full of memorable experiences and learnings, deepening relationships, intrapersonal and intellectual growth.

Here's to Christmas and the new year!

Written at 9:00 AM

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Wednesday, December 03, 2008

wresting my moments back

Now, I don't feel so anxious anymore. The past few months have been nerve-wracking - going for multiple interviews, facing rejections from some, and yet also receiving several offers from others. Now, I feel a sense of calm, not relief...just peace and calm, knowing that my future is secure in the Lord. He tested my faith again, but I think I pulled through relatively well. :-) Money should be the least of my worries; I know that no matter what, God will always provide. He always has all throughout this time, whether it's a simple thing like clothes or even a car. Now, it looks like I may be getting a laptop.

At first, I was ecstatic after making my decision to accept a certain job offer. But lately, I've begun to feel a little wistful, maybe even a little sad...it could be the people that I am beginning to miss, yet it is also not the people for it is something beyond any individual; it is the cause that I have been fighting for, whatever that cause is as different people stick various labels on it - call it feminism, women's rights, equality etc etc. At the end of the day, the essence of the struggle is the same regardless which word you throw at it. Activism stretches beyond the 9-5 limits of a job. So, despite my job change, I will never stop being an activist. Activism is a state of being - a state that constantly changes, struggles, innovates; never static but a continual renewal of the mind and heart, thoughts and action to better the world.

I am happy, satisfied with my decision. I value my personal time with God, myself, my loved ones... I'm young, but money is not everything to me. If it were, I would have gone straight for the highest offer. The past few months have been draining me of that time, till I find myself just doing doing doing things with never a moment to stop, and enjoy re-reading a favorite book, or dream on a lazy evening...play the piano, creating soft melodies tinkering through the night...writing a shining line of prose when the moment strikes...

I am wresting my moments back.

Written at 12:04 AM

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